Every step we take takes us closer to death yet every step of the way we become more oblivious to our final destination. We comfort our mortal beings by surrounding ourselves with immaterial material possessions so we feel at home, we feel belonged. Though our eternal abode awaits us but this life is like a powerful drug. It is slowly eating us inside, it hurts us. But we can’t stop; the pleasure of living a lie is too much. We wear different masks pretending to be someone we are not or what we would like to be just to satisfy our egos and make up for the shortcomings we foolishly harbor.
We get so entangled in our self created world that we have no room for thought of our end. Do we ever take a pause and look in the mirror to see a person with flaws and certain failings? Do we ever see a person who no matter how good he/she pretends to be manages to be evil somehow? We cry over and over again on how people have hurts us but do we ever lament the pain, knowingly or unknowingly, we have given to those who are dear & not so dear to us.
I am not one person. I have thousand shades. Sometimes I go by the rules sometimes I freely break them. At times I do the right thing at times I am totally insensible to it. And at the end of the day when I ponder I realize where my conscience didn’t really matter I made it a matter of right and wrong. And where rectitude was at stake I left no stone unturned in indulging in iniquity. And why? Because it made me happy, it led me to a state of mind that gives a satisfaction of the self. But when that high wore off I was left with emptiness and pain and maybe remorse. In words of Grey, “Addiction ends badly coz whatever was making us high stops feeling good and begins to hurt.”
But what the heck! My mind serves me well. I forget and move on living my life experiences again. It’s a ritual for me now. I hurt and I get hurt. Right or wrong doesn’t make any sense to me or matter at all. After all it’s just a matter of perception, isn’t it? I died a moral death way back which even I can’t recall when. Now I seek pleasure from hypocrisy, from calling names, from lying to myself and those around me, from strongly censuring others, from making others feel inferior so that I can pass on myself as superior. I fool myself into believing that I am with those who really approve of me not knowing that they are there just for their advantage. I strongly sound the principles I believe in but when it comes to me I somehow overlook them. That’s life for me, life as I live it.
I have heard its human nature to run after those whom we can’t have. But in quest for those why do we hurt the ones who are meant to take good care of us. Everyday of our lives we take them for granted till a day comes when they are not with us anymore and we feel a great loss which we were wholly unaware of to begin with. In our race for supremacy we somehow fail to give them the care, the tenderness they deserve. We end up taking out our life’s frustration on those who are always there for us.
I used to think life is a battle between right and wrong, good and evil. I never knew it would become a battle between desires. Suppressing one desire to fulfill another. I know I shouldn’t do this but I am doing this cause I am stupid. I am a coward. I am not wise enough to choose right from wrong and stand by it. I am not brave enough to rise above myself. I live so cause I forget every step of the way that every step takes me closer to death. It takes me closer to God.
